CLEARANCE SALE!!!

no but really, this is the end of this blog that had a whole amount of 1 follower (which i apparently do not have anymore) soo good day to you blog, ill keep you around though. I would love to read these when im older. So to my 20 year old (ish) me OH HAI! hope lifes better than it is now! im going to be pissed at you if the counseling bit fell through, like seriously im going to slap you if it does. Its one of the main things in your life that brings you happiness, SO YOU BETTER HAVE STUCK WITH IT!

HOLY SWEET BABY JESUS!!!

I literally just shat a brick when search "the classic crime vagabonds torrent" and i get a site that had the CD and all the songs linked onto it!!!! words cannot express how happy i am to have this album on my ipod now :D

Why I hate nights like these.

Easter dinner, the whole family is at the table eating dinner. Me, sitting at the very end. As conversations and laughter roars in the background, I just sit there..silent. I don't know why I do this, maybe because i don't feel comfortable around Bruce's kids, or maybe I just don't want Bruce getting after me for something. Whatever it may be, its pretty dang effective. But as I look around the table, everyone is in pairs, Mom and Bruce, Grandma and Grandpa, Melissa and Shane, Alyssa and Rob. They all have someone to whisper to, to goof off with. I just wish i could have someone with me during nights like these. So now while everyone is downstairs conversing, i sit in my room, writing (and listening to the classic crimes new CD :D). I cannot wait for the day i move out, the day my life actually starts...

The times, they are changing

WTF LIFE? when the shit did you decide to just up and change??? HMMM?? id love to know. theres some pluses to this change (IM DOING HOMEWORK FOR ONCE :O) and then theres some other stuff im having a hard time bring myself around to. People are changing, places are changing, hell even the weather itself is changing (and quite frequently may i add). UHHH its times like this i wish i could just peace for a week or two and go see the fasha. Like im soooo looking forward to this weekend! getting to see Alyssa will be fun (as always) and shes gunna force rob to play ps3 with me :D but anywho back to the changing of life. Like i don't know whats happened, even the way i see things now, its just so...so different. Its quite overwhelming and i have no bloody clue what to do. I think the best thing though, is that ive started to sing alot more, like infront of other people aswell :O

I unno life, whatever you got planned in that crazy scheme you have for me just please give me a way to deal with it!

Resenting the happy, will only give you unhappiness

As i sit here in front of my laptop, i start to think of how ive lived my life. For so many years ive hated (or greatly disliked) the people that cause me pain or had made me unhappy. But tonight i realize that's a selfish way to live. For some of those people its because of how they treated me, or treated someone else i care for. For some its the things they did to deliberately or not deliberately to hurt me. But now, now i see that they are happy. They have the things in their lives that make them smile, make them laugh, make them think. So i guess what im trying to say is, im happy for you, all of you. I just hope that i have affected your life, in some way or another, but know that i will always be happy for you. And if that's the only joy i get in my life, well so be it, its worth it all if i can make someone happy with my actions, or whatever i did.

The moment Ive been waiting for.

Well after dropping a heavy load off my back (personal stuff, like REALLY PERSONAL) I laid in my bed thinking, i then had an epiphany. I have 1 year, 1 YEAR until the moment Ive been waiting for has come. Ever since my parents divorce when i was 6, Ive wanted to get outta there house (by there i mean my moms) and live my life, Ive wanted to show them, that healthy loving marriages EXIST (not one like my moms now, its good for her sometimes, but bad for me) In just one year I have a decent amount of stuff to consider. School, job, housing, car, love, friends, relationships id love to end, what i don't want to be, what i want to prove to people, how can i make a difference (being 1 of the 2 survivors of my moms child birthing, me and my sister think we were meant to do great things, like we have reason to be here. I ask myself alot, why me? why Alyssa? whats our purpose? but i just come to my previous conclusion). 1 year seems like a long time at first glance ( I used to laugh when people said life's to short to waste anytime, id think YEA okay i still got like 74ish years left to live. But now i see that life is short) , but honestly 16 years have gone by, and what have i accomplished? sure Ive "helped" someone with depression, later realizing it was for attention, so i don't count that. So really, what things have i done to impact the world? like honestly, yea im a great friend when you get to see my emotional, caring, mature side. So besides caring what can i say Ive done with the 16 years Ive been alive? in school i only coast along, barely passing the courses that are most likely gunna choose my future, and give me a wide amount of choices. You may think im being harsh on myself, but its the truth and i don't know another way to put it.
Song im currently listening to: Therapy, by Relient K

What You Push Away, Will Always Catch Up.

There things in life everyone just doesnt want to take into consideration. For me at the moment, its whats gunna happen when you have to leave (I have so much faith in you babe, UWC is gunna welcome you with open arms, your far more than what there looking for) I know the day will come, i don't know what will happen, will we end this, or will we stay together, I'd prefer the latter (and I know you would to) But I have such a hard time wrapping my head around us ending, I just chose to push it away, leave it for another day. Sometimes it even makes me paranoid or something when i do think about it, im sure you've noticed how i act around those topics, its just something i don't want to have happen. Rachel you've been the biggest non family impact in my life, You've showed me hope, Love, Compassion, Care, and a whole lot of other things i never thought id feel or experience at this age. But with you being such a big influence (like just below my sis on the influence scale) Its just really damn hard to picture my life without you. I realize that your trying to make me see the opposite side of the scenario, so im not shocked and surprised if it happens (which i REALLY hope it doesn't) I get by in life seeing the outcome that id want to see happen, but that's not always the way it goes. Like for this, I'd LOVE IT if you got into UWC and we were still together. I don't want to lose you from my life babe, not never.

To the Moon and Back Rachel, is my love for you.

Hope, Faith, Believe

You gave me a coin like trinket today (i dunno what category it falls into :P) with those 3 words scratched into the back, Hope, Faith' Believe. On the front side is a faceless angel, in a long gown and some pretty coo bean wings :D I know my initial reaction was, less then expected, but i was just speechless. Especially after you told me where it came from, assuming its the grandma im thinking of, it means alot Rachel. Youve got my love in your pocket, now i have yours :) to the moon and back babe, i love you.

Favorite days, end with favorite nights.

When I started my walk to work today, i felt GREAT and it really showed (babe seriously, you would gone HOT DAMN YOU LOOKING FINE :P) it was just one of those days when i felt nothing could bring me down, and thankfully nothing did :) I dunno what it is, maybe its the weather (which probably played a big part in it, cause it was just how i like it. Sunny, cold breeze, great views, its just fantastic) maybe it was the fact that my lifes pretty damn fantastical, ive got you :) Ive got friends, got the family(CEPT YOU KNOW WHO >:( its just, good. After work, me and nick ran round town, doing the usual (me acting like solid snake from metal gear solid, i can crouch walk EXACTLY like him :P) And nick just laughing at everything i do to embarrass myself. but my favorite part was the walk home. It was really nice, fresh air, favorite music in my ear, lyrics leaving my lips, it was excellent. I guess what im trying to get at here, is take the time to enjoy the simple things in life, its amazing what a simple walk can do, makes you feel great. It was a great accomplice to the way i was feeling.

For you my love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64huAIdbHHc

ill always be here(well not like my sisters couch :P but ill always be there for you, no matter what) for you Rachel, we haven't lost each other, just the physical part. EXCEPT HUGS. Rachel, you've helped to form me into the person i wanna be, you've shown me love, compassion, friendship, laughter, etc. and for this, i shall never forget you. You and alyssa are the only people to have impacted my life so much. I feel as though its the end, but i know its just the beginning, the beginning to an ever lasting friendship. That day you become known for the greatness you show the world, ill turn to whoever is next to me, and say "yea see that girl? she was my first love, my first real relationship, the first person not related to me to impact me the most. And you know what? she is still my best friend" for whatever happens in our lives, i will do anything in my power to make sure that's what happens. Forever and always, ill love you. there's a reason i gave you that rock....

I'll Always Be Here.

i know where your coming from. you do have more important things to deal with A.K.A UWC its your life's dream and you shouldn't be sorry. Rachel im not mad at you im mad at myself, because i feel as if Ive just jumped into that picture and wanted to change it to include me. It was selfish, and i know that im a bit much, but its just the way i am. So im sorry that i did that, that i didn't listen to you when you said i wouldn't last a week, but to me that was just incentive to keep trying, to prove you wrong, to prove how good of a guy i am, how i can be worth it. What happened today...it just made me realize im to intense, so thank you for making me realize that. So as i sit here and think about my thoughts, feelings, emotions, Ive come to the conclusion that i don't want to lose you, and ill do whatever i can to make that true. Babe just know that i don't doubt you at all, i completely trust you I do love you, and i hope youll understand where im coming from.

Clearing your head solves alot of things!

its amazing how much better i can feel after i write a blog/ let my feelings out. I must thank the lovely Rachel Harle who im oh so lucky to be dating ;) for telling me to just clear your mind, AND WRITE. I can think one things wrong but really its just my brain just covers up the real problem with. its freaking FANTASTIC! GOD i think psychology is gunna have some competition with writing in my life :P

The maturity level of a 12, 16, and 24 year old.

Yup Ive got them all! i have my moments like alot of others but the one that freaks me out is the 24 year old part of me. Like when most guys just wanna be having a good time at parties and such when there in there 20's, i wanna be married with a kid. HELL i wanted to adopt a kid since i was 12! it just freaks me out...like would i be like every other guy if my parents didnt get divorced? would i be interested in cars and football? would i not care about love? i dunno, and i probably never will. Maybe id be less of an emotional kid? maybe then i wouldn't care what people said even though i act as if im k. Maybe i could have just been a dumb jock. i have my moments were i ponder on such things, and think of the possible outcomes from being those people. Some scare me, some make me a lil happy, some just make me wish they stayed together. But i do know what thing, if my parents didnt divorce...i would have never met you. i would have never met my amazing people that im proud to call my friends, people that i wish i never met...the ones that used me, stole from me, and just all around asinine people. So i gotta say even though my life could have been drastically different, im just glad Ive turned out to be a good kid, a guy that respects the people around him, a shoulder to cry on, a great "hugger" when needed(ive basically mastered the hug :P) Ive become a person i can only hope to teach my kids to be (here i go with the 24 year old me :P hell i already got a girls name picked out! Kacie -or how ever you spell it - so her name would be the same as her initials.. K.C. yea im pretty cool when i wanna be :P) So Parents in an odd way...im glad things happened the way they did, not just because of who it turned me into, but for who it turned Alyssa into. shes so damn independent because of the divorce(and everything else shes been through)...she had to care for me since she was 10, so shes grown up fast...and i thank her for being there for me when i needed her...i know we had our issues back then, but she was always there...and she still is thank god!

Ive Grown to Learn Acceptance.

It used to freak me out when you talked about us breaking up, thats why id always reply with thoughts of the future. it still does bug me, cause even if you dont think about it like that, like were going to break up, it still means your thinking about it...which just freaks me out, makes me think im not making you happy or something. Ive grown to realize that yea were not gunna spend eternity together ( no matter how much i think so now) But now ive accepted it, lets live in the present, not thinking of the past or future. Lets live each day happily without regret and restraint, lets just love each other because we do (honestly still don't know HOW you find me attractive :P) I know we can have bad communication, and its mostly me cause i never say whats wrong...unless where alone and in person :P but for me its hard to express that emotion infront of other people or over the phone or even on msn. i can only truely express how i feel when im alone with you, or writing it down(which ive recently learnt :P) so babe im sorry I dont say whats wrong that often but i just find it so hard...i grew up bottling all the wrong and pain inside, and then when i finally let it out it, it was to late, the moments that bugged me for so long had just passed long gone. I know i gotta stop doing it but its just what i know, and im sorry. BUT i thank you for taking the time to let me express myself when most would just lose interest...so thanks babe...i love you alot

A Tissue That Holds Memories.

At Grospa's (David Kornelius Loewen) memorial, there was most of my Loewen family. All there together but under the wrong circumstances...When the services started i tried my hardest not to cry, I tried not to watch as others did, I tried not to breakdown as the words left the speakers lips. But no matter how hard i tried i did cry eventually...but at first it was only acouple tears at a time,But when it finally came, it was when my grampa went up to talk. Ive never seen him cry in my ENTIRE life, Hes always been this strong guy that wouldn't show his emotions. After he left i thought my tears would cease....but No my Mom got up...THEN FREAKING WATERFALLS CAME. Listening to my mom go up there and speak...it just hit so many emotions. My great cousin? Albert spoke the most, he made us laugh, cry, smile, and treasure what we have. He said that the loewens have always been able to stand tall and be proud of who we and our family are, But the thing is When i heard that...i was up against a wall (slouching) I straightened my back and got off the wall. I swear it was if i grew! Ive never felt that tall before i actually recognized my height and i started to "stand tall". That day hath changed me...i dont know what exact part of it did but it made me proud of who i am and who i have in my life. They spoke of how grospa brought his boys up to be respectful strong willed men that knew how to treat people. So im glad my family is who they are, cause if i wasnt raised the way i was...I fear id be a worse person...BTW HAPPY NEW YEAR