CLEARANCE SALE!!!

no but really, this is the end of this blog that had a whole amount of 1 follower (which i apparently do not have anymore) soo good day to you blog, ill keep you around though. I would love to read these when im older. So to my 20 year old (ish) me OH HAI! hope lifes better than it is now! im going to be pissed at you if the counseling bit fell through, like seriously im going to slap you if it does. Its one of the main things in your life that brings you happiness, SO YOU BETTER HAVE STUCK WITH IT!

HOLY SWEET BABY JESUS!!!

I literally just shat a brick when search "the classic crime vagabonds torrent" and i get a site that had the CD and all the songs linked onto it!!!! words cannot express how happy i am to have this album on my ipod now :D

Why I hate nights like these.

Easter dinner, the whole family is at the table eating dinner. Me, sitting at the very end. As conversations and laughter roars in the background, I just sit there..silent. I don't know why I do this, maybe because i don't feel comfortable around Bruce's kids, or maybe I just don't want Bruce getting after me for something. Whatever it may be, its pretty dang effective. But as I look around the table, everyone is in pairs, Mom and Bruce, Grandma and Grandpa, Melissa and Shane, Alyssa and Rob. They all have someone to whisper to, to goof off with. I just wish i could have someone with me during nights like these. So now while everyone is downstairs conversing, i sit in my room, writing (and listening to the classic crimes new CD :D). I cannot wait for the day i move out, the day my life actually starts...

The times, they are changing

WTF LIFE? when the shit did you decide to just up and change??? HMMM?? id love to know. theres some pluses to this change (IM DOING HOMEWORK FOR ONCE :O) and then theres some other stuff im having a hard time bring myself around to. People are changing, places are changing, hell even the weather itself is changing (and quite frequently may i add). UHHH its times like this i wish i could just peace for a week or two and go see the fasha. Like im soooo looking forward to this weekend! getting to see Alyssa will be fun (as always) and shes gunna force rob to play ps3 with me :D but anywho back to the changing of life. Like i don't know whats happened, even the way i see things now, its just so...so different. Its quite overwhelming and i have no bloody clue what to do. I think the best thing though, is that ive started to sing alot more, like infront of other people aswell :O

I unno life, whatever you got planned in that crazy scheme you have for me just please give me a way to deal with it!

Resenting the happy, will only give you unhappiness

As i sit here in front of my laptop, i start to think of how ive lived my life. For so many years ive hated (or greatly disliked) the people that cause me pain or had made me unhappy. But tonight i realize that's a selfish way to live. For some of those people its because of how they treated me, or treated someone else i care for. For some its the things they did to deliberately or not deliberately to hurt me. But now, now i see that they are happy. They have the things in their lives that make them smile, make them laugh, make them think. So i guess what im trying to say is, im happy for you, all of you. I just hope that i have affected your life, in some way or another, but know that i will always be happy for you. And if that's the only joy i get in my life, well so be it, its worth it all if i can make someone happy with my actions, or whatever i did.

The moment Ive been waiting for.

Well after dropping a heavy load off my back (personal stuff, like REALLY PERSONAL) I laid in my bed thinking, i then had an epiphany. I have 1 year, 1 YEAR until the moment Ive been waiting for has come. Ever since my parents divorce when i was 6, Ive wanted to get outta there house (by there i mean my moms) and live my life, Ive wanted to show them, that healthy loving marriages EXIST (not one like my moms now, its good for her sometimes, but bad for me) In just one year I have a decent amount of stuff to consider. School, job, housing, car, love, friends, relationships id love to end, what i don't want to be, what i want to prove to people, how can i make a difference (being 1 of the 2 survivors of my moms child birthing, me and my sister think we were meant to do great things, like we have reason to be here. I ask myself alot, why me? why Alyssa? whats our purpose? but i just come to my previous conclusion). 1 year seems like a long time at first glance ( I used to laugh when people said life's to short to waste anytime, id think YEA okay i still got like 74ish years left to live. But now i see that life is short) , but honestly 16 years have gone by, and what have i accomplished? sure Ive "helped" someone with depression, later realizing it was for attention, so i don't count that. So really, what things have i done to impact the world? like honestly, yea im a great friend when you get to see my emotional, caring, mature side. So besides caring what can i say Ive done with the 16 years Ive been alive? in school i only coast along, barely passing the courses that are most likely gunna choose my future, and give me a wide amount of choices. You may think im being harsh on myself, but its the truth and i don't know another way to put it.
Song im currently listening to: Therapy, by Relient K

What You Push Away, Will Always Catch Up.

There things in life everyone just doesnt want to take into consideration. For me at the moment, its whats gunna happen when you have to leave (I have so much faith in you babe, UWC is gunna welcome you with open arms, your far more than what there looking for) I know the day will come, i don't know what will happen, will we end this, or will we stay together, I'd prefer the latter (and I know you would to) But I have such a hard time wrapping my head around us ending, I just chose to push it away, leave it for another day. Sometimes it even makes me paranoid or something when i do think about it, im sure you've noticed how i act around those topics, its just something i don't want to have happen. Rachel you've been the biggest non family impact in my life, You've showed me hope, Love, Compassion, Care, and a whole lot of other things i never thought id feel or experience at this age. But with you being such a big influence (like just below my sis on the influence scale) Its just really damn hard to picture my life without you. I realize that your trying to make me see the opposite side of the scenario, so im not shocked and surprised if it happens (which i REALLY hope it doesn't) I get by in life seeing the outcome that id want to see happen, but that's not always the way it goes. Like for this, I'd LOVE IT if you got into UWC and we were still together. I don't want to lose you from my life babe, not never.

To the Moon and Back Rachel, is my love for you.